This poem is more of a song ((for reasons that would take too long to explain)) but it can be a poem. I wasn't sure where to put it, because it's lyric, dramatic, and narrative all at the same time...in a way. So I'm putting it here.
Please excuse my jumble of words, my brain is a little scattered right now. Anyway, I hope you like it. It needs a lot of editing.
As the day starts getting shorter...
I slip into my empty eyes.
The shadows cast down...
The moon shines high.
I thought I knew what was around me.
Sometimes I wish you'd found out.
Gloomy tales over coffee....
You're life was my hideout.
Show me memories I've never known.
Expose thoughts I've never found.
Keep me from my false predictions.
And so I won't come crashing down.
The world will never revolve around me,
I learned that long ago.
These absent walls hold me in so well,
Time becomes an endless foe.
These laws weren't made for justice,
These rules were made to rot.
Crying by myself at night,
Please; you're all I've got.
I thought I knew what was around me.
Sometimes I wish you'd found out.
Gloomy tales over coffee...
You're life was my hideout.
Love seemed so simple,
It felt so sweet.
My soul; caught in the tune,
My heart skipped a beat.
A field of black roses,
My name hears it true,
I didn't think that would happen,
I didn't mean to hurt you.
My cry reaches the stars,
On a cloudy night.
But you wrapped your arms around me;
Promised it would be alright.
I see the truth around me,
I'm glad that you looked about.
Cold cups of coffee,
Our lives really worked out.
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Hehe, this should really be put in the lyrics section! I can always move it for you, if you want. And if you don't... well, it's made a nice home here, no?
First of all, I think I know why you're a little confused about the ending. This poem seems to be less of a poem and more of a story, if that makes sense. So there's definitely a logical progression of events. The main thing is that the events are all introspective -- that is, all about her feelings. Which is kind of weird, when you think about it.
What I would like to see, as far as an ending, is an ending where a conflict comes and then, since it's supposed to be a happy ending, where the conflict is resolved.
I think it would be easier to point it out in your poem:
As a reader, or even as a listener, I don't just want to hear that the narrator hurt her lover, in some form or another. I want to know why. So how did the narrator's actions hurt this lover and what event finally propelled them together? And, by including this little snippet, I think you'll find your song much more satisfying.
Good luck!
Dear Broken Wings,
"Bumping your thread" in the Nonexistent But Nonetheless Widely Accepted Handbook of Unwritten YWS Rules is defined as: "1. a gauche action taken by inexperienced writers who do not have the gray matter required to figure out how to edit their post; 2. the inappropriate and maladroit practice of a YWSer desperate to gain more critiques (or, more often than not, simpering and sycophantic compliments) on their piece; and 3. just generally in bad taste."
Also in the NBNWAHoUYWSR:
- The use of an ellipsis in a poem is to be avoided at all costs. The use of two is grounds for execution by guillotine.
- Bubblegum rhyme must die. The use of "true" and "you" as rhymes qualifies as such, as do most other examples in this.
- References to black roses and cries on cloudy (yet somehow, miraculously, also starry) nights should only be unleashed against enemies of state and/or in the event of a generations-long familial vendetta. Otherwise, it qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.
The best part of this poem was how you decided to bring the coffee imagery full circle--and even that was stale. Scrap this.
Best,
Sir Fand of the Crusades
Let's go through this stanza by stanza, or verse by verse, rather.
First of all, nix the ellipses. They are useless and annoying in a poem, and won't be heard in a song. I LOVE the phrase "I slip into my empty eyes." I would put one more syllable in the last line. It's fine when read, but being sung the way I think it should be sung, it needs another syllable.
I dislike this stanza. The last line, especially. "You're" should be "Your", first of all. Second, I agree with you, the rhyme is definitely forced, like you've used the word "hideout" because it rhymes with "out". There are better rhymes out there, honest. I really don't have any suggestions for this one, but I can assure you that there are better words. Again, take out the ellipsis thing.
I'd go with "things" or "sights" or something that's one or two syllables instead of "memories". Too long. The second line is just plain awkward. Maybe "Expose the love" or "the truths" or "the lies" or whatever two-syllable phrase you feel is best for your piece. Nix the "so" in the last line. This stanza is quite song-ish, in a good way.
I really like this one, except for the last line. The first two lines are wonderful. The third line is so-so. The last line is another forced rhyme.
Make "laws" and "rules" both "laws" or both "rules". Like this: "These rules weren't made for justice/These rules were made to rot." Other than that, this is a great verse. The rhyme isn't forced and the meter is good.
I'm assuming this is the chorus? I'd prefer the "laws weren't made for justice" stanza, the previous stanza. This "hideout" one is not as strong.
This one doesn't seem to follow the same pattern as the others, but that happens a lot in songs. It's awfully cliche, though. I mean, you have other things that are cliche, but not this badly. I'd just take it out. The reader/listener will figure out from the rest of the poem/song that it was love.
I don't know about that first line. It's iffy. At first, I hated it. It's very poetic, in an emo way, but it didn't seem to go with the rest of the verse. And...your name hears it true? Names can hear?
"On a cloudy night" is too short. The meter is rather sketchy for the first two lines. For the last two, the only thing I have to say is that it's more acceptable to use "all right" as opposed to "alright". It doesn't look right to a reader, but I suppose it wouldn't sound any different to a listener.
Take out the "that" in the second line. I like that you came back to coffee...and now it's cold...how symbolic. The last line is terrible, though. I can see why you dislike the ending.
I hope you turn this into a song. I want to hear it the way you would put it to music! I'm thinking acoustic guitar, drumset, a soulful female singer, maybe some piano. Yeah. Great writing. I'm terrible at song-writing, so I commend you.
Colleen
....Is it that bad? Dx
Finished it...I might still add more, but either way I hate the ending but I like the idea...
....Pwease?
Thank you...^-^; Any suggestions on making it better?
this is good, it is good as a poem and would be good as asong! keep it up!